It’s 2:12 in the morning and I should probably be sleeping. No, I should definitely be sleeping. I am a mom and will be up in an insanely short amount of time, meeting the needs and demands of the little people that call me mom. But instead, I am tossing and turning, mind awake and body exhausted. Remember that great job I got? I don’t have it anymore. Everything fell apart in regards to provision *for* the job and then, really… when we sat back and thought about it, it didn’t make sense for our family. Not the schedule nor the high demand of the job.
Seems simple enough, but here I am, now 2:14 in the morning, still awake and thinking about all of this. Paul says to boast in weakness, and though it goes against the grain of everything that seems comfortable and practical, I’m going to try.
Here is my weakness y’all: I am hasty in doing and I often misinterpret the plans and purposes of God. And by often, I am not exaggerating for the sake of a good post. I quite literally mean often. And so, I’m up at 2:17 now, truthfully confused and a little annoyed at my inability to discern the path God wants me on.
In the last year, I have felt led in a thousand different directions, none of which have led to very many places. (Okay, maybe not a thousand, but at the very least several that haven’t led anywhere). Some have been hasty decisions made in the spur of the moment that sounded nice, but were obviously just not Heaven-inspired. Others, well others I genuinely believed were for me. Others, I felt were designed for me and I felt reassured and guided every step of the way. Even when defeat seemed certain, I felt certain of the path that had been intended and designed for me. Only to have it fall apart.
Y’all. It has all fallen apart. Every path I thought I should be walking on and pursuing, and all I have to show for it is a mind and heart wake at 2:23 in the morning asking why? Why doesn’t it seem like I’m getting it right? Part of me believes that I am lost, out in the field, and I just don’t know my Shepherd’s voice. Then the other part wants to scream out that a notion as such is absurd! Of course I know my Shepherd’s voice! He is my Love, my Husband, my Best Friend. Half of me wants to run backwards and coward away in yesterday’s insecurities and lies because I am comfortable and well known there. The other half of me wants to kick this all in the face, take a look at that Angel of the Lord and wrestle until He releases the blessing. I don’t know what blessing. I don’t know what it looks like or even what the wrestling is totally for. But I have that sudden, violent urge in my Spirit to demand Light to shine in the foggy air that keeps me up at 2:28 in the morning.
“From the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and violent men take it by force.”
The violent men take it by force.
Beloved, I don’t have the answer. I stand in a battlefield pretty messed up with nothing but fragments and pieces of what-if’s surrounding me. Purpose is unsure and destiny is a lost and broken dream. I don’t have the answer.
But what I do have is the truth that the violent men take it by force. And had Jacob relented, there would have been no Israel.
The blessing for me is truth and purpose. For you dear friend, it can be anything and everything else. Wrestle, fight, press on. Ask the right and wrong questions of the God who created you. Your weakness (my weakness) does not intimidate Him. Rather, it moves Him.
So. Wrestle. Fight. And violently seek out that which is inherently yours Israel!
2:37 and still fighting,