weak love

Do you ever feel the weight of the Gospel on your shoulders?  Do you ever carry with you the responsibility Christ on them too? The Word exhorts us to carry our cross [ent reference here] and live our lives with that cross on our backs, understanding that for us to die is gain and to live is Christ [enter ref here]. 

I test and question my motives at least 1000 times daily.  Truth is the obvious doesn’t come so obvious for me and I have a paralyzing fear of becoming like a Pharisee.  That is the very clear, honest quite intimidating truth y’all.  I can say that I genuinely and honestly love Jesus.  I am truly and unbelievably so thankful for His cross and the fact that He whispered my name and pulled me out of the miry clay.  This is legitimate guys, I know how much I want to be near Him and love Him.

But

I am also painfully aware of how weak my love can be and in fact is.  I get glimpses of the end result and get so frustrated when I see just how far I have to walk.   I love spending time in my Word and discovering who He is, but I also enjoy sitting down, watching TV and unwinding.  My head knows He is my resting place, but my heart betrays me.  And then I kick myself in the shin, get frustrated, throw my hands in the air and cry.

I am not by any means making a claim that unwinding and watching television is a sin (unless you’re watching something you’re not supposed to, and then, well… that’s between you and Jesus).  I am stating though that though everything is permissible not everything is beneficial.  And I long for the day when I sit before the feet of Jesus and find Him to be the source of unwinding and relaxation.  There are glimpses of that now — that favorite worship song comes on in Pandora and you feel His Presence soooo close to you, crazy dancing and worshipping with the babies during devotional makes you physically tired but spiritually renewed.  That kind of stuff.  So, yes, there are glimpses.  But I am contending and seriously wanting the fullness of it.  I want to train my appetite to desire only Jesus, nothing more and everything pales.  I’m not there yet.  And it makes me angry and frustrated, but I really really want to be.  My goal in this life is to strengthen the love of and for Christ inside me according and leaning upon His grace and His mercy.

may be weakDon’t mind my rambling y’all.  I’m just coming to end of my resources for doing this Christian walk and I’m frustrated, because I am nothing. I am powerless in the face of a Mighty Creator and Beautiful Savior. I am learning to lean solely and completely on His grace and it looks a lot like a toddler taking her first steps.  A sight to see for the world around, but pretty flipping frustration from where she’s standing.

Lean on grace. Trust.  Just give in and let go of yourself.

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