I am the absolute worst person at letting things go. I am stubborn until stubborn is no more and then I keep going. Whatever I decide to hold on to, I do with all my might and then some. I cannot and will not let things go. Not people, not ideas or plans, nothing. In instances this stubborn crazy trait is actually pretty good. Like in marriage. Thick and thin. Good and bad, happy or sad I grabbed that bull by the horns and refuse to let go (I love my bull by the way — hehe). Other times, it’s not a good thing at all. It’s actually a very very bad thing. Discerning times and seasons isn’t my strong suit because I hate change and I hate having to let some things go in order to receive others (think letting go of summer beach time in order to enjoy the crisp fall air and pumpkin spice lattes).
I say this because at the beginning of this year, as I sought His word and instruction regarding this year, He told me He wanted me to stop making doors open. I was to learn to knock on a door and trust [and wait] that He would be fully able and capable to open it should that be His will for my life. He probably said this, because you know, I am really good at making doors open — call it my stubbornness, I will stand out there in the rain, hail and snow until that door busts open if I have to bang it down.
Alright, alright you get the picture.
Point is, my mission this year is to trust that God doesn’t need my help to bring His plans about. Like He ever did! But, my pea-brain seriously justified that He did.
So now, I’m standing at the beginning of August, having enjoyed and endured a pretty crazy year but knowing that I have stood in the middle of His will I’d say most of the year. My heart has been filled with a sincere yes to whatever [has so far included not having our own place to live for several months, one car and more prayer than talking]. I have knocked on doors, all of which were things I wanted and have made zero open (I think. goodness, i hope that claim is sincere, if not show me Lord…). And now there are two before me that I feel were brought to me from the Lord. And this perpetual waiting on His timing, if I can be honest, is driving me a little crazy. First of all, who knew I was the one Jesus referred to when He said “O ye of little faith!” That’s me. Little Faith. For as long as I’ve known the Lord, I feel like my heart has translated this waiting period to a false reality that God is incapable or unwilling.
Gasp! I KNOW! As. If.
[pardon my 1990’s pop culture pun — I couldn’t help myself]
Anyway. Yeah. I guess I’m learning that I never really learned how to wait. You can call me a product of our microwave America society. But man, I have never felt so free as when I am fully trusting Jesus in His ability to make His will come to earth. I partner with it and will do whatever He tells me to. But results and direction isn’t mine to figure out or even own. It’s the Lord’s and there is so much freedom in it. Is it scary? Well, yeah. But the outcome and the results of it make all the hardship vanish. Makes anything worth going through.
“And the Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail.”
– Isaiah 58:11
“The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps”
– Proverbs 16:9
I am faced with two desires and two plans. Both of which I really really want. My heart has planned my way and both things are involved. But God will establish my steps. And in the words of a dear friend (probably my favorite) — learning to come before the Lord with open hands instead of unwilling to let go clenched tight fists will bring forth the measure of liberty, grace and victory that we are called to walk in as believers.
So, it is in this situation when my stubborn, unwilling to let go nature would be really bad. But when I learn to keep my hands open I have a feeling the same stubborn nature will keep me from ever closing them again.