Hi. My name’s Nicole. And I’m an addict.
noun – the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.
I am addicted to doing. No, seriously. It sounds silly or funny, but I absolutely fit the definition of addiction and addict when it comes to doing. I like being busy, I like doing and making things happen. Maybe it’s for the praise, maybe it’s for the feeling of accomplishment that I get, but I am certifiably addicted to doing.
Just like an addict, I have attacked friends who have encouraged me to sit still, wait on the Lord and allow Him to show me when to move. Like an addict (according to its definition) I know that id I stopped doing, it would cause severe drama. Heck, I’ve already stopped doing at a certain level and I’ve struggled, fought with God, become angry and seriously questioned everything about my life and my faith (no, seriously). Like an addict, when confronted with any version of the truth regarding an addiction, I have snapped, denied, justified and ran away from the real issue. But friends, the truth is, I just can’t run anymore.
What is it that addicts call it? Rock bottom?
Yeah, well, in terms of my doing addiction, I have reached rock bottom. There is nowhere for me to go. Just like in Hosea the LORD has hedged me in with thorns, and I have nowhere to go and nothing to do and no one I can behold outside of the Glorious Man we know and love. I have come to terms with my addiction and can honestly say that I am done in and I need help. I cannot continue on living in a way where identity and the measure of self-worth is in doing. Moving from doing to becoming is my mantra this summer. I cannot waste life with works when the only work that matters was completed 2,000 (ish) years ago.
Living a life where you feel you have something to prove is exhausting. Trying to live up to expectations, be them your own or someone else’s, is really exhausting. Fighting God and yourself because you’re unable to do as much as you want to or could is really really exhausting. And ladies and gentlemen, I am exhausted. Genuinely tired and rock bottom exhausted.
I don’t have all the kinks worked out yet y’all. Like an addict, I have a general idea of what my road to recovery will look like, but the day in and day out of it will be hard work, determination and buckets and buckets of grace. I am at the mercy of Jesus as He purges me of old mindsets and allows His grace to truly encounter my heart and mind.
Would love it if you guys said a prayer for me while I let go of doing and allow myself to be loved by this amazing Father who could care less about my accomplishments and to-do list. He sees me.