dreaming big and being hurt.

It was one o’ clock in the morning and I couldn’t go to sleep.  All I could think was that phrase, that saying, that timeless truth…

Hurt people, hurt people”

There is an epic amount of truth in that statement. Lord knows I’ve been at the receiving and the hurting end of that one.  And then, I started thinking about adulthood.  And how much that sucks.

I remember being a teenager, 16 and 17 years old, ready to take on the world and change it. I would look at adults caught up in their adult things who forgot how to dream and how to live and I swore I would never become one like that.  I was going to beat the odds and I was really going to change the world.

Then, I got married at the ripe old age of 20 and became a full time mom by 22 hardly giving me the time to change the world.  I regret nothing. Except that tonight, I won’t get much sleep.

See, the two coincide I think. Hurt people hurting people and the whole adulthood sucks.  The fact of the matter is that the mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.  Henry David Thoreau discovered it, wrote about it and tonight I think I’ll do the same.

Adulthood is no doubt filled with an incredible amount of responsibility and weight.  It is the season when we truly learn to live for others and not for selves.  It is a beautiful time, but in the middle of responsibility and the mundane, adults forget how to live.  Sheesh, I have forgotten how to live.  I can honestly say I have forgotten what it looks and feels like to dream like you have nothing to lose, to genuinely believe God can use someone like me.  I haven’t done it in a long and therefore am now eating my words.  I have become one of those adults.

Life has dealt some pretty low blows.  Like, pretty low. Stupid low.  It started early and kinda kept going.  But isn’t that life? 

Isn’t life just a series of heartbreaks tied together by a Scarlet Thread, designed to paint a picture of a broken man needing a perfect Savior? 

I do.  It’s a glorious life, indeed a gift.  But if we’re honest it’s a painstaking life and no matter who we are or where we come from the only thing outside of love and compassion we all deeply know is pain.  And alas, hurt people hurt people. 

Okay. Let me stop verbally processing and just tell you what I think.

I think we stop dreaming and dreaming big because we have allowed heartbreak to be victorious in our lives.  We allow the natural broken state of man to dictate our expectations and our illusions with the things that are possible in our immediate world. The sixteen year old Nicole knew heartbreak but not like twenty-six year old Nicole does.  At 26, I know pain more intimately than I did a decade ago and should God grant me 10 more years, I’ll know pain more deeply then.  But I think it’s time for adults, both young and menopause aged, to let go of every heartbreak and disillusionment that life and this world have brought to our door and begin to dream big again.  World changing, life altering kind of dreaming.

Our God is an unfathomably good God.  And He is the Creator of our hearts and souls.  He has placed desires inside of each of us so that through those avenues, we can know Him deeply and intimately.  He is victorious and can conquer anything.  Even the pain, the scars and the disillusionment that often categorizes so many of us.  Life sucks.  This world is dark and crazy and unfair.  We will never know what card will be dealt next.  But, our God.  He is.  And He is greater.  And He is our biggest supporter and encourager and if we allow ourselves to dream the dream He has specifically created and manufactured for you and me, I have a feeling all will end well.  

I genuinely want to see my peers, my friends, my loved ones live a life filled with God-sized dreams. I want my children to grow up with a mother who changed the world.  Not just by raising them to be brave, outstanding lovers of Christ (although, I mean — duh!) but by taking them on journeys and adventures as a family to see God fulfill dreams only He is big enough to fulfill. 

I need to change the world y’all. If nothing else, my community.

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