double portion.

“Instead of your shame you will have a double portion,

and instead of humiliation they will shout for joy over their portion.

Therefore they will possess a double portion in their land, everlasting joy will be theirs.”

– Isaiah 61:7

 

I opened up my Bible App at one in the morning, hungry and thirsting for the living and breathing Word of God.

I’d read an opinion on Facebook on the fallacy that they believe is the Bible and my heart was grieved.

All I wanted was for Jesus to be exalted, glorified.  Because I know Him.  And He is good and alive and so real.  He is personal and mighty and He changes lives.  And hearing that some people just… don’t think so or know so… it destroyed my little Christian bubble and catapulted me into the deep world of suffering that we live in.

So, my Bible app is opened, and the verse for the day is Isaiah 61:7.

I almost brushed it off as a familiar portion in Scripture. I know the verse. I’ve heard it abused by many who believe in the prosperity gospel as a promise of financial increase and blah blah. But, this time, I was captivated.  And suddenly, it became alive.

As I slowly read the familiar words “double portion” a picture of my husband and my children flashed before me and I knew He was speaking to me.

See, I was a… troubled teenager/young adult. I genuinely loved Jesus but I was also genuinely so unbelievably broken and shattered that I didn’t fully understand how to reach out to Jesus and allow Him to heal.  I was also very zealous and “green.” I didn’t know healing.  I longed for it, believed in it, but not for me.  I was too broken to be fixed but the thought that I could “earn” a gaze from God was enough to keep me going. I didn’t think wholeness was attainable, but I was thankful for every opportunity to prove myself worthy of His love.  And I tried in zeal and youthfulness.  But if you know anything about broken people, it’s that even in their best attempts, their brokenness wins and everything around them collapses, even on to the people they love most.

And man, my world collapsed a lot those late teen years.  And I hurt a lot of people, myself included.  There was a lot of shame and a lot of humiliation and even more brokenness.

But. I look back now and I can see that my double portion is here.  Every wrong decision and weird turn has led me here.  His grace has led me and I’m blessed with this double portion that I call my family.  They are, my pride and joy.  They are my reward.  I am no longer Rahab the prostitute, I am Rahab the Jew.  The Lord has healed me, put away my shame, hidden my humiliation and has given me the double portion.  I am shouting for joy over it.  Everlasting joy is mine.

The wholeness came, quietly and unexpectedly.  When zeal quieted and all that was left were the ashes of a once wild fire, His hand and His heart encountered me and made me whole.  It may have come in those weird adjustment moments from the first year or two of marriage.  It may have come in the middle of the night as I held a newborn baby and the sudden weight of all that she meant hit me like a ton (or 50) of bricks.  It may have come in the midst of potty training and dishes, mundane moments in marriage and perfectly chaotic moments in parenting. 

I don’t know when it came, but it did. And now that the shame and humiliation is as far as the East is from the West, I am left with this double portion. Caleb. Daniella. Aaliya. Haven.

Oh. My heart shouts for joy indeed.

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