It has not been my most spectacular hour recently. It hasn’t been dark or dreary, but it hasn’t been what I know He’s called me to. It’s just been. I’ve been waiting for the next big thing, the next big assignment and I have completely lost sight of who He is, His glorious, beautiful heart and the fact that I do not need a call to formal ministry in order to enjoy who He is.
I don’t know if this is repetitive. I try not to read my own blog posts, and since it’s been a while, I can’t say I remember what exactly I’ve been writing. But it’s where I’m stuck y’all.
I was sitting/standing in Church yesterday, screaming my lungs out to God in an attempt to sing and one of my new favorite songs came on (thank you Kari Jobe for writing it and introducing it to the world and Matt Gilman for *always* playing it when it’s your turn to lead). And as it was played and we all sat/stood/rocked/swayed to the rhythm of our heartbeats dancing with the Living God, the realization that He has overcome struck my heart on a string that had never been played.
“His perfect love could not be overcome.”
Something about the love of God undoes me. Like, really. My head believes the crazy upside down glorious love that He is and that He demonstrates for me. I genuinely believe it. But then I find myself feeling guilty for it. I find myself second guessing if my heart is filled with pride at the thought of just how insanely God loves me. I mean, the Father has 6 billion children at this point in time. That doesn’t count the generation 100 years ago or even before that. And the more that I get to know who this perfect Father and beautiful King is, the more I discover just how much He loves me.
And though no one I know will admit it, I believe the thought of just how much undoes some of you as much as it does me. Being loved that deeply is something that nothing and no one else can ever show us. This kind of deep love, acceptance, peace, beauty… it’s found only in the arms of our Savior and Father. It is truly unknown and though safe, still a gamble.
We only know imperfectly. But when we begin to dive into the Holy Love that is God… there’s an undoing. It’s like, no response is appropriate. What can we do at the sight and in the Presence of such Perfection and Compassion? Nothing I do seems appropriate or enough to love Him in return.
And I think (or rather, I know) that is where my problem lies. How much are we preconditioned by our cultures to return that which is given to us. Everything comes at a price now, with some hidden motive or a manner of strings attached. There is no real giving without expectation. So, when we come face to face, what do we do? We do. We try. And we fall short. I fall short.
I am so works minded I cannot even fully grasp the concept of rest. I know the definition of it, but not the understanding or knowledge to be empowered to walk it out. I have to do. I am Martha through and through. So much so, that in my prayer time, I have heard the Lord call me Martha, and He has gently rebuked me as He did Martha then.
I think the love of God undoes me so much because there is no appropriate response, but be. That’s all He wants of me anyway. Me. He has seen my obsessive nature and it doesn’t drive Him away or make Him question me. He has seen how hard it is for me to forgive, even though I have been forgiven much. He’s seen my darkest and most regret filled memories and He was there. And the response of His heart towards mine was just… love.
There is no response for that kind of love. And in this season, I am begging God to teach me how to just be. Whatever that means. I want to hang up my apron and learn to just sit. Because, I still want the love of God to undo me, but I want to allow it and bask in it instead of analyzing it, blogging it and racking my brain for an appropriate response.