I’m rambling about my heart, the unfamiliar and the goodness of God*

I have a confession to make.

It has been a hard few days spiritually. I have been battling condemnation recently. It has been busy and truthfully, my heart has been set elsewhere. Hence the problem.  We finally entered this new chapter of our life, and all I’ve thought about is new furniture, paint colors and decor items.  So not cool. And… to make it worse I’ve been distracted on the Eve of Holy Week. Passover came and went and I didn’t so much blink. I have missed the mark again.

And then, I sat thinking about my heart posture for the past week and repenting and the most unexpected thoughts sprung from my heart. “God. I don’t know what to believe about You right now.  You desire holiness from my inward parts, but I know that You are moved by the slightest movement of my heart. Which one should I rely on right now? Do I get my act together  Can You really be that good?

It’s terrible, but true. The goodness of God is one of the hardest attributes for me to allow settle deep in my heart.  I have never met someone as good as our God. Not just generous, but good. Not just forgiving, but good.  He loves more, gives more and I can never cause Him to stop loving me. There is something so fundamentally unsettling about His goodness.

“How great is Thy goodness, which Thou hast stored up for those who fear Thee, which Thou hast wrought for those who take refuge in Thee, before the sons of men!” (Psalms 31:19)

I have realized that His goodness is unsettling, because it is foreign.  We live in a world that is clearly broken and evil. We are surrounded by rejection and abandonment, unrighteous judgment and condemnation. We have never met anything or anyone like Him. We have never encountered good like we do in Him. Everything good is in Him (Psalms 16:2, Matthew 19:16-17).  And our eyes are often set on everything but Him.  We partake the vile and repulsive things that are outside Him and then wonder why we live with deep ache and heartbreak all the days of our lives.  It is no wonder King Solomon wrote “Vanity of Vanities! All is vanity.” (Ecc 1:2). In comparison to the goodness (the sum of all the attributes) of God, everything is vain and hollow.  And because of my fallen nature, that is incomprehensible.  I have experienced good in my own effort, but nothing like the goodness I behold when I encounter Jesus Christ.

And His goodness unsettles me.  It makes me despise everything in me that would offend Him. I cry out like David “Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts. (Ps 139:23)  And maybe that’s why I battle feeling the way I do. Maybe it’s not condemnation per se.  Maybe it’s just my heart cry to my God… “Daddy God, please, try me, know my heart and make me like Your Son.” His blood has bought me, made me new, but I am being renewed daily to look more like Him, and I never want to go back. I genuinely desire to bear fruit. Much fruit, a hundred, thousand times over.

Maybe. Then again, maybe not.
All I know is that I am on a mission to encounter the full goodness of God.
I want to taste, see, smell, touch the goodness of the Lord.

Yeah. That.

*I warned you in the title, this was less of a thought out post and more ramblings on “paper” so to speak. So I apologize if I jumped around and made little sense.

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