I have a confession to make.
I am a seeming extrovert that doesn’t feel she belongs anywhere.
I have *serious* issues with fitting in. I often feel like an outsider and cast off even though I am more than usually surrounded by a sea of people that I love and that I know love me.
Still. I just don’t fit in. It never seems to fit.*
I am seriously an outcast. Even amongst believers. I am different and strange and I just don’t belong.
And at 26 years old I am learning that is perfectly okay.
I spent the bulk of my teenage years and a couple of my early adulthood years obsessing over where exactly I belong and why I never seemed to fit the mold that I felt was laid out before me. No matter how hard I have tried, I could never quite make it. It led to frustrations and heartbreak… It led me clear across the country trying to find somewhere I fit y’all… And instead I came home with heartbreak and hollow hope of finding anywhere I truly belonged.
But what I have been learning is that the feeling of despair and outcast have been gifts placed deep within my heart that cause me to hunger and search after the Living God. It is because I never fit in that I desperately ran to Christ every time I felt rejected or empty. Though it never computed in my fragile, obsessive, silly little heart, God has set me apart and created me in what feels like a different mold for the purpose of bringing me closer to Him.
Someone once prayed over me and declared Numbers 14:24 over me. They whispered to my heart and acknowledged every insecurity in my heart by praying this simple verse over me.
“But My servant Caleb, because he has had a different spirit and has followed Me fully, I will bring into the land which he entered, and his descendants shall take possession of it.”
(side note: anyone else find it ironic I ended up marrying a Caleb? tee-hee)
All these years later (a decade-ish to be exact) I still treasure the Scripture and the prophecy in my heart. And as I continue to fall on my face before the One who created me and wove me together, I have learned that He designed me perfectly and allowed my weaknesses to be my weaknesses because He loves me. Because in these weaknesses I have sought Him and found Him.
I don’t share with you my prophetic encounter and prayer so that you can cast me into the pit like Joseph’s brothers did (no, seriously, please don’t… hear me out!). I share it in the hopes of reaching someone, anyone who may feel the same way.
Beloved, we are not called to fit into the mold of anything outside the Precious Blood of Jesus. The sense of belonging we crave must come from only the Lord. As dear as any human may be to us, we belong in eternity with our Heavenly Father and Bridegroom and if you don’t feel like you quite fit in, please go with that feeling and seek out the Lord. Lay down those feelings before the Living God and discover just how much you truly belong with Him.
Did you know that the word “different” in the Hebrew means “another or next”? I believe the “other” Spirit that Caleb possessed was the Indwelling Spirit of God even though it hadn’t been released widespread over the Earth yet. His Spirit is what brings us to true destiny and fulfillment and only He can do it. Allow Him to lead you from the uncomfortable place of rejection into His Mercy Seat where you will spend forever.
* bloggers’ note: I belong with my husband y’all. He and our children are where I know I am called in this life, and by saying that I don’t belong anywhere I do not intend to dishonor him. I am merely proposing that as hard as my husband loves me, what my soul will forever crave to be whole is satisfaction in only Jesus.