Okay. So, if you keep up with me outside of the blogging social media world, you know it’s been a hard month for our family.
You know that I started out full of faith and am now about 6 miles past breaking point. Here, how about I paint you a picture?
In the last month we have been
- In a small fender bender with the owner of a home we were going to rent.
- Moved out last minute (in the rain), where we had to place our things in storage.
- Had at least 2-3 places fall through in regards to a new more permanent living arrangement.
- Had a flat tire.
- Had a difficult time with the place we were living in (closing up our account and jazz).
- Had the electricity in the place we’re temporarily staying in shut off (mistakenly, y’all).
- Had one car totaled — insurance will not cover cost of car.
- Had a minor loss of income (supplemental income).
- Had no heater in the coldest weeks in good ol’ Sunny Florida.
All this, mind you during one of the hardest week’s of the year for me (End of January). And today, when I thought I would get answers, I got none. I got a big fat “KEEP WAITING” sign. Add on the common, day to day challenges of parenting two small children and being married and we’ve got a recipe for chaos.
To say I was living Psalms 73 is an understatement. You know, when Asaph tells God
“When my heart was embittered and I was pierced within, then I was senseless and ignorant; I was a beast before You.”
Yeah, that’s been me. I have written in my journal several times about how the absolute frailty, depravity, weakness, and absolutely nothingness of my heart keeps surprising me. I shouldn’t be surprised, but I am. It’s like I keep coming up short within myself. No offense to those that believe in the power of self and stuff, but I am walking through fire and I am seriously coming up short in and of myself. I don’t know how people believe/live sufficient in and of themselves. My weakness is mighty and so very real. When the Bible speaks of man being like vapor and of man being like the grass, quickly fading, it knows what it’s talking about. And though I’ve always known it, I now know it. I am reduced to nothing these days… I have discovered that I am nothing.
I am easily swayed from the place of refuge and safety in Jesus. I am embittered easily. I am weak in love and resolve to be like Jesus. In the face of real life and deep trials, I fail 10 out of 10 times. I am literally nothing. I look around to the circumstances that surround me, and I am overwhelmed at my stature when compared to them. Life is just so much bigger than I can handle. Than any human can handle, really. What can we really control? I mean, let’s be frank. The idea of controlling any aspect of our life is absolutely ridiculous. We have neither created nor uphold any single thing, so how can we realistically control anything to go the way we want it to go? We are nothing. We will be reduced to nothing either now or in the life to come. But we will know our insignificance before the face of a Mighty God at one point or another.
I don’t say this to minimize the intense, passionate love that the Creator has for us. I am merely stating the facts. Job discovered it. Joseph and Paul and John the Baptist. And Elijah and Elisha and Isaiah and Daniel. David and Moses. They all knew how insignificant they were in the grand design. After their individual encounters with the LORD, each said the same thing in different language. They all said “Woe is me, for I am undone! I am a man of unclean lips! Who is man that You are mindful of Him? I am unworthy to untie the sandals from His feet! Behold, I am insignificant, what can I reply to You?” Each to his own language, but the same message.
“All flesh is grass, and all its loveliness is like the flower of the field. The grass withers, the flower fades, when the breath of the LORD blows upon it; Surely the people are grass.”(Isaiah 40:6)
I am grass. I have never been more aware to it than I am right now. I am frail and in comparison to death and illness, I am still so very blessed. Yet there’s something about these particular set of trials that has reduced me to nothing. I approach the Throne of Grace, with a new very acute perception of who I am and who He is. The Fear of the Lord is real again. Esther’s life threatening request suddenly makes so much more sense. The danger of it I mean. She is only a Queen by the mercy of the King. Her blood is still that of a poor Jewish orphan. He was the King, and though He loves her, He is the King!
I have no real neat and tidy way to wrap this thing up. I am aware of the love of Jesus for me. I am aware that He has chosen me, bestowed on me the joy and delight of being His Sister and His Bride. But suddenly, I am painfully aware of how my existence is truly vapor, grass… I am reduced to nothing, y’all.