This isn’t necessarily the way I wanted to start off this blog.
I wanted to do things “right.” I wanted to brew over the very first post and put thought and effort into it in a way as to secure success in theme and content for this blog. I wanted to have my page designed completely and perfectly before I introduced it to the world. See, I have blogged before. A lot. And I wanted this time to be “successful.” I decided to start fresh because 2014 is the year Jesus told me to write. He told me to stop focusing on writing what I think I should be writing on (oh you know, homemaking, being a wife and a mom, etc) and write about my heart. The things He’s instilling and speaking into me. And so, here we are.
So you know, our family has been serving as local missionaries for a year now. I have loved it. I have hated it. I have laughed and cried, found great fulfillment and questioned everything about it all at once. It is insane and sincere grace that we are where we are and that our family was chosen for such a purpose and such a time. I would have never chosen us, but He did. We have prayed over those with different faiths (with their permission), have seen miraculous things happen, shared the Gospel, and seen individuals surrender to Christ. Y’all, it has been glorious and trying. But now, a year later, our faith is being tested more than ever before. We are seven days out from having to be out of our home and we have nowhere to go. Well, let me rephrase that. We believe Jesus has established a place for us and has gone before us to prepare it. But we have no idea where it is!! Seven days y’all. Seven! This does not work for me. Like, really. I am a planner, I love order and hate chaos. I can be creative and let go, but not for so long that I loose control. I like to know where things are going and when and how fast and how. I just do. I don’t do uncertainty well. I don’t thrive off situations like this. At all. I freak out a month before a move if we don’t have a place to go. Imagine seven days.
I have been seeking, begging, looking, knocking, asking Jesus for what to do. Where to go. What to do. And His response to me has been to wait. Just wait.
So. Not. What. I. Was. Looking. For.
And even now, seven days out as I frantically search on Zillow, Trulia, Realtor and Rent dot com, I keep feeling Jesus speak to me to wait. Could it be possible He is asking me to wait even longer? Could it be possible that He wants to wait to the last possible minute to release everything He has in store for us in this area? Could it be possible that He has zero respect for my need of control and distrust in who He is so He will come through at whatever moment He chooses to?
Yeah, no. I didn’t think so either.
Jesus Christ is good y’all. He is good and He is a Father and a good one at that. And my head knows this, but as I sit in a box-filled room seven days out before a move without anywhere to go, my heart questions it. How am I ever going to survive anything major if I can’t trust the Lord in this manner? Scripture is filled with promises of His provision. Why is it so hard for those to settle deep in my core and establish peace in my heart?
What I have come to realize is these two simple truths
First, God will never ever stop working in us until we are true lovers of who He is. And the truth is, we cannot love what we do not know. So, everytime you are tested and a truth about God’s character just doesn’t fully settle in your heart, embrace, run to God and praise Him because He loves you and me enough to never stop pursuing. He truly desires us to be lovers of who He is.
Second, I have never met any one who has regretted placing their complete trust in the Lord, I have only met people who regret wasting precious life on anxiety and worry before a big God who’s plan was always secure and trustworthy.
So, as we walk forward only half knowing God’s plan for our family I choose to embrace weakness and let go of that which I really cannot control, and even if the rain cloud begins to move hours before our scheduled move-out date, I will choose to trust that He is for me and that His plans and purposes for me are good and not for evil — no matter what it looks like.