Its been a little over a year since we made the big move to the good ol’ state of Texas. And I have to say… its starting to feel like home. I have accepted Texas gear following me at every corner store and every grocery store. I have (mainly) accepted the lack of Puertorican food near by, and I have even embraced football as a proper Texas wife. I can drive in Houston without getting killed and have become acquainted with the world of stink bugs and love bugs (sorry FL as bad as you think FL is with love bugs… Texas got you beat) I am slowly becoming some sort of Texan.
We have begun to put down roots and invest in real relationships and friendships. We are attending a church we genuinely love and we are intentionally serving and getting to know our neighbors. It sounds real good… real purposeful, and intentional and like its all grand. But y’all nothing will expose this girl’s insecurities faster than the need to develop new friendships and relationships with people who dont know me or my quirks, or sarcastic sense of humor, or deep desire to help – to the point of seeming pushy.
Guys. I am drowning in insecurity here. I have been second guessing every word that comes out of my mouth and every gesture or movement for the last six months. And it. is. exhausting. Good Lord. It’s also really really stupid. Because Ive read the book, the one about all the insecurities, and I know I really shouldnt care. But… i do.
So, at the push of my best friend who never lets me sit in my own mess, I turn to Jesus and ask… “What the heck?”
And this is what He said…
I am your Defender.
And folks, thats what its all about. In our insecurities, we have to press in and grow in the knowledge that wherever we lack and whatever others perceive, God defends us. He goes before us. He knows us, more intimately than we know ourselves. He loves us. And He goes before us. He ordains our steps and hopefully clears up our messy attempts at communication. He goes before us.
This isn’t an insanely deep post. It’s just an honest one. I am struggling with insecurity and actively dethroning it in my life. I believe the more I grow in relationship with God as my defender, the less insecure I will be. I’m not there yet, but I’ll get there. In the meantime, if you’re a Texas friend and see me mucking it up, have patience. I’ll get there eventually.